But First You Must Learn How To Smile As You Kill Saturday, Jan 31 2009 

I don’t think that there’s anything more detrimental to our society than the twenty-somethings who sit before me, splayed out across an L-shaped couch in white tees, basketball shorts and ankle socks, reciting the lines from Wall Street in unison with the film while I wait for my dealer to measure out a bag of grass. Forget the Reds or the terrorists or global warming – those that they emulate are the root of every problem that the talking heads fret about, every ill we suffer, and they’re next up to the plate, a stronger mutation of the virus.

They’re hustlers-in-training, under the guise of business majors, armed to the teeth with a plethora of mantras  — ‘Greed is good’, ‘greed is right’, ‘Always Be Closing’ — mantras that emanated from the most tragic of cinema characters that were written as a metaphor for what rots us all. They quote and repeat them over and over, programming themselves before they make a pass at a girl or hit the lot and try to fleece someone on a Camry. They appear completely oblivious — as if they’ve just watched Rocky and only taken away from it that Apollo Creed is still the champ. Like their idol says, it’s a zero sum game. A winner and a loser.

“Lunch is for wimps,” they all call out in unison, pumping fists and nodding. They are not carrying it out in the name of irony.

“What’s with the Gordon Gekko worship?”

“Gordon Gekko is the fucking man,” one of them calls out as another rifles off the next quote.

“Gordon Gekko is a complete asshole. The whole point of the movie is that he’s a giant piece of shit.”

They look at me skeptically for a moment, as if I’ve suggested that the world is flat, before returning their attention to Michael Douglas ranting that he wants every orifice of a competitor to bleed, a line one of them mimics with enthusiasm while looking at me, as if to have the last word. My dealer plods down the stairs and after some cordial small talk I fork over the money and head out for Seth’s idling car. As we rumble over the red-brick streets, I gaze through the window at the breeding ground for these little Gekko apprentices. Their wildest fantasies are to become commodities brokers, only biding their time here until they’re ready to start stepping over the backs of whoever stands between them and the top.

Each and every one of them probably have a blue-and-white French shirt hanging neatly in their closet, purchased in an attempt to emulate this parasitic idol, who stands for a larger representation of the bankrupt system we carry out. They study business, because they want to be businessmen — a non-descript term that loosely translates to ’someone who makes money’. It does not matter how. Sales and marketing for investment firms, telecommunications outfits, tobacco companies, automobile dealerships, knife sets, weapons manufacturers, anything that signs the check. One wonders…would they peddle smack if it sold on the NASDAQ? Would they broker the sex trade of Cambodian teenagers if it was an acceptable market? Would they suck horse cock if it was considered a commodity that brought in six-figures?

Contrary to what you may have heard, it isn’t money that is the root of all evil, but rather discontentment. They chase money for the same reason that I chase highs — the dissatisfaction we have with the lives we’re in. And if wasn’t money, or drugs, or women, or power, it would be some other soul-peeling pursuit that can never be truly satisfied. To move forward in this world one must nullify themselves. We need something to consume us, to captivate us, because we’re not finding it where we find ourselves. It’s in the next sale, the next hit, somewhere other than where we currently stand. What we have before us is never enough.

You Get More Mileage From A Cheap Pair Of Sneakers Friday, Jan 30 2009 

Cul·tured (adj.) :

1. Educated, polished, and refined; cultivated.
2. Produced under artificial and controlled conditions.

High end or of the box variety, I thoroughly dislike wine. It tastes like something that should end in -ide, and never fails to give me a throbbing headache. I usually drink it in catalog-clean living rooms, and there’s usually a pink kangaroo or a yellow fish on the bottle, purchased with crumpled ones in a convenience store. Every now and again, I find myself drinking a classier brand while at a function I have to dress uncomfortably for. It still tastes awful, and is always washed down with beer or rum at the earliest convenience.

I have very little use for classical music. In fact, if I had to name my favorite piece of the genre, I would probably go with ‘Back To The Future Overture’, and I’m not just saying that to be cute. I dig Aaron Copland on occasion, but I’m fairly certain that the last time I sat down and listened to Bach or Mozart or anything like that was while studying for a test in the sophomore year music class that I often slept through. I hear it every now and again since, of course, and can often still identify them. But they do not move me like Martha & The Vandellas.  

I can count the number of times I have worn a tie since the year 2002 on one hand. Two of the occasions were weddings. One was a Valentine’s Day cave-in. I see them as no different than the absurd practices of footbinding or women covering themselves in black shrouds. It’s a piece of cloth that hangs from the neck to indicate…wealth? Sophistication? Occasion? Reliability? Once work ends, or the reception starts, isn’t our first, symbolic action to dig our index finger in and pull down the noose?

The Mona Lisa doesn’t do much for me, and I don’t think painting a soup can is any great achievement, outside of proving that herds are often isolated and ignorant, and will be awed by anything so long as there’s enough cocaine and envy to go around. I think a wideout tapping both feet into the endzone while making a diving catch is far more artful and captivating than a ballet ever could be. I can’t think of more than three or four black-and-white films that I really like.

I’m not to trying to deride those things, or flash a blue collar or claim that there’s nothing to them. But what I am pointing out is that my distaste for these things implies to people a rough edge that could use polishing, a boorish ignorance, a stubborness of sorts. There is something rebellious or oblivious about me, not wanting to wear a tie or attend a symphony. I’m unrefined. I need some culture in my life. But the reality is, I just really don’t like wine or ties or Beethoven. And people who do like these things aren’t always refined or intelligent or haughty or missing anything, either.

There’s connotations for any taste, and we’re keenly aware of them. We know what it means to have an affinity for wine and the opera or a taste for whiskey and Motley Crüe. It’s understood that going out for Japanese is much hipper than an Italian place. We knew when purchasing the polo or the fedora that it indicated something. It says something about us, and it’s not always that we appreciate these things in order to say something about ourselves, but we’re not oblivious to the badges we wear. Although, we are at times, oblivious to what those badges are telling the world — for instance, the girls who return from six weeks in London and refer to Buffalo Wild Wings as ‘the pub’ actually think on some level that you’re impressed with their worldliness and culture.

I can talk for hours about Wuthering Heights, and while I don’t do so with my auto mechanic friends  – they find it to be effeminate and convoluted - it’s understood that on some level they see it as an indication of a higher, sophisticated intelligence, and I often convince myself that it is. But my knowledge of Heathcliff quotes won’t do much for me if my car starts leaking fluid. What I see as a masterpiece, they wouldn’t make three pages into before nodding off, and what they see as a work of art, I view as a souped-up engine that roars too loud.

I’m not trying to say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder so much as I don’t think we’re all that far away from grunting chimps who imitate what they see, and no amount of intelligence or sophistication or percieved genius is ever going to change that. At the height of climax, my face twists just as oddly as those who aren’t as well-read or those who have attended more operas. A clarinet solo will not save you any less than a Poison song about partying. And though neither are my really scene, either, I’ve found plenty of sophistication at punk or metal shows — which is to say not a lot, but no more or less than the symphony.

These connotations are quite dangerous — they imply that those who read often or attend well-reputed schools or are elected to public office are somehow in possession of something they’re not. The truth is, they’re as scared, confused and ignorant as the rest of us. A failure to recognize this leaves us apt to follow the blind.

Besides, for all you know, in three-hundred years - if our species still plagues this planet - they might find Steve Winwood to be just as blindingly genius as Mozart. As far as I can tell, we’re losing progress as fast as we’re gaining it.

I Don’t Know Why You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello Thursday, Jan 29 2009 

I’ve heard that you’re either a Beatles person or a Stones person. The Stones person is outgoing, spur-of-the-moment, ready to love and hurt and fuck and shake hands without stopping to think about it. A Beatles person encompasses a quieter, deeper thinking, more wistful disposition; equally tortured, but still guarding a piece of their soul from the world.

This is not to say that if you consider yourself a Beatles person you don’t like the Stones at all, or vice-versa. It could mean a strong preference for one, not necessarily an aversion to the other. And it’s not necessarily an issue of musical preference - do you believe that murder is just a kiss away, or that love is all you need? Are the Stones realists where the Beatles are dreamers? Answering those questions won’t necessarily define your position, but it certainly sheds some light on your nature.

While I firmly believe that this distinction is a very valid one that can tell you a lot about a person, simply recieving an answer to the question will not tell you everything. For instance – any person under the age of twenty-five will immediately want to respond with Stones after hearing the above prompt. Doesn’t mean they will, but they will want to. Everyone would rather be a popular idiot than a lonely genius. And I’m certainly not implying that this is a division aligned with the Beatles or Stones – Jagger isn’t an idiot (but who’s going to call him a genius?).

I think I’m a Beatles person trapped in a Stones person’s body. I would be much happier spending the night in with Whitman, but my legs inexplicably carry me out to the bar with Hemingway. I want to be both, all at once, and I’m halving myself trying to do so. Jennifer is definitely a Stones girl, or at least she’s done a good job of convincing us all. She’s wearing a sleeveless black vest over an MC5 t-shirt. Her eyelashes look like spider legs and she holds her cigarette as if it were a weapon, smoke exploding from her mouth like steam from a train whistle, signaling her jaded amusement at lesser beings. She knows that you want her, and that makes her infinitely less attractive.

“I fucked Adam last night,” she says, finding something fascinating in her crimson nails.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” Halfway through swigging my bottle I shake my head and throw up my hand with a grin that causes a little beer to seep from my lips. “Stupid question…I know exactly why.”

“Clue me in.”

“You’re human…which is to say that you’re an animal.”

“Exactly…it was just a fuck.”

“Then why are we talking about it?” She loses a little of her smirk and I gain a bit of mine. I’ve drawn the Beatle out of her. She loves him, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Adam is a recurring regret, the type that she will one day look at in distant photographs and feel sad, not because he’s gone along with her youth, but because she really loved him and has come to realize that he wasn’t worth it. She senses that he isn’t worth it now, and makes wry remarks indicating so, but she rarely admits to herself or anyone else that it means everything to her.

“He left his watch on my nightstand and I slipped it into the drawer when he wasn’t looking,” she confesses, her palms patching her eyes.

“You pulled a reverse Costanza?” She just emotes what could be considered a groan or a laugh and shakes her head, eyes still shielded from this world.

“How about you?” she asks, flicking her bangs and recomposing her persona. “You still talking to Crazy?” The thought occurs that various friends have referred to current love interests as ‘Crazy’ for far, far too long. The pitfalls of chasing Stones girls, I suppose.

“Pretty sure she hates me now.” I’m always delivering this line. I always seem to find myself in bed with them a few weeks down the road.

“Why’s that?”

“Because I’m an asshole.”

“Right,” she nods, glancing up at me with the smile they always give, the barely perceptible green light to go forward with the smarmy banter until we find ourselves asking for a spare toothbrush in the harsh light of morning.

When we step out for a smoke, I will plant one on her, because that’s what a Stones man would do and that’s what a Stones girl wants. And it’s been my experience that when two Stones collide, the impact often causes them to shatter, or at least chip away. She will look at me for a silent and momentous moment in a whole new light, a glowing Beatles smile in a Stones world, her eyes saying why and mine saying I don’t know. She will kiss me back, with the lost foolishness of a McCartney melody and the back gripping passion of a Jagger growl, and at that moment neither one us will have the slightest clue as to which camp we’re in.

There’s A World Of Shiny People Somewhere Else Thursday, Jan 29 2009 

There’s a reason that gold-toothed rappers who rent jewelry for videos top the charts with songs about how unrelentingly enviable, morally bankrupt and gifted they are. It’s no coincidence that our idols have fake tits and crawl through mud and express a disdain for ‘drama’ while creating it. The moronic and corrupt suits that preside over our government were elected because our government was designed to reflect the people. Take a look in the mirror.

We are a disappointment to our potential. Put down that drink. Turn off the television. Stop participating in conversations you’re convincing yourself you want to be in and go find one that your heart has been screaming for. I don’t care if it’s been a decade, just pick up the phone and tell you love them. Right now. The next time you see the ones you’re not removed from, just say it out loud, without preamble or clarification. Just say ‘I love you’. Isn’t a bit unsettling that, whether it’s your favorable boss or roommate or latest fling, there’s a fair chance that it would be entirely awkward to do so?

It doesn’t matter if they think you’re nuts. Do it anyway. They’re just as nuts, and it doesn’t matter what they say. All that matters is what you do.  

We rant that we’re trying to lose weight, and we pass a McDonald’s, a Wendy’s and a Burger King in the process of doing so. We complain about how Love is bullshit to untrustworthy members of the opposite sex who we’re stuffing our ridiculously preconceived notions into. We bitch that commercial radio is garbage, but how would we really know that if we didn’t pay attention to it in the first place? We ponder the idea of peace while we continue to slit the throats of those who dare cross us. We lift our arms and proclaim ourselves as the world’s greatest, the soles of our shoes grinding into the neck of the impoverished brown kid that stitched them like he were an unnoticed ant. Somehow we feel better about ourselves by being able to acknowledge that we’re crushing their windpipe. A recognition of flaw is sastifactory enough.

Target would be no less scrupulous than Wal-Mart if given the opportunity. You would be no less boorish than the person that she left you for if you had their looks and she was new. The fly-swarmed kid with bug eyes would ignore you if he had a condo in Dade County. You would fuck strangers for money if you had no other way to eat. You would judge yourself harshly if you weren’t yourself. Everyone hates the Yankees but Yankees fans. Sometimes I feel as if the world as I see it can be explained with a wordless Gary Larson cartoon. We’re all pushing on the door that reads ‘pull’. And it seems that we’re all yelling at each other to pull, but continuing to push.

I want everything to fail. Not because I’m a pessimist or an anarchist, but because I continue to watch us all burn our hands on the stove, cry out in pain, and in the next breath, hover them back over the metallic coals. I know that the new president instills hope, but he’s still working for a machine that shits hope while it peruses the NASDAQ. I know she seems much better than the last one, but don’t forget that you met the both of them under similar circustances, with the same old unchecked fears. I want the whole fucking thing to go down in flames. I want everyone to go broke. I want us all storm the capitol with pitchforks and torches. I want everyone’s tits to sag and their guts to waterfall over their belts. I want to see us all swatting flies away from our face, yearning for the gruel that the white man drops from the sky. I want every kid to be the last one picked. Because then we might get it. Then we might not take it all for granted. Then we might dive towards a solution rather than dipping our toes in every now and again before deciding that it’s far too uncomfortably cold and shocking. Then we might stop ignoring and/or assassinating the people who tell us these things.

I just want it all to stop.

The thought of something always seems far more compelling than the act of it.

Bored By The Chore Of Saving Face Wednesday, Jan 28 2009 

I wake up on the wood-paneled floor, my upper lip and chin stained with petrified and darkened waterfalls of blood, an egg-sized lump on the back of my head. I can never tell if my miscalculations of the proper circumference for the noose are an honest drunken error or a subconscious desire to live. My mouth lingers with the metallic taste of blood and vomit. Discarding my splattered shirt and washing the mess from my face, I purchase  – on credit – a spoon of heroin from down the street, doing it right then and there in his living room, drooping my head and exhaling with a long, slow comfort while he laughs a little too hard at cartoons from the 1950’s, still lit up like a lava light from the previous evening. While I count the minutes until the bar opens, my mind drifts off to all of the naked women I’ve ever seen — not the ones viewed on a screen or in a strip joint, but the ones I hadn’t expected to see nude.

There’s a normalcy to this that frightens me. Then again, what the average would consider normal has always frightened me as well. In my defense, it was the only way I knew how to feel good about myself and the world around me, at a time that I desperately needed to feel that way. I don’t even recognize myself anymore, and if I did, I imagine that I’d run away screaming.

I spend the day avoiding my reflection with a myriad of companions — rich, poor (mostly poor), black, white, farmers, professors, the oblivious and the desolate. We never discuss why we’re here. If one of us were to try, the other would pretend to listen, but would be rolling their eyes at the first opportunity. Just drink your drink, talk about football, and shut the fuck up. If I wanted to think, I wouldn’t have left my bedroom.

There are a million reasons to live, yes, but there are a million reasons to die as well. I think the point, the goal, is to not think about it, to not be overly concerned with achieving one or the other. Don’t fret about the fact that we’re all fucked. Don’t get too excited about the fact that she digs you. Just settle in and watch the show as if it were a popcorn flick. You’re better than it all, and you know it, so just laugh at them, and assist them if they request it.

Joe Montana finished out his career as a Chief. Namath hung it up as a Ram, Franco Harris wore the garish expansion colors of a Seahawk, Unitas stumbled to the finish line as a Charger, and Favre continues to tarnish his legacy as a Jet. Dustin Diamond clung to the Saved By The Bell franchise as long as he could. Happy Days jumped the shark, and Motley Crüe reunited for another tour. And it’s painful to watch, isn’t it? It doesn’t feel right. Why, then, am I still here? Why don’t I call it a day, change the channel, pull the trigger, flip the switch, retire before my skills diminish any further?

The simple, unavoidable and embarassing truth is that I miss Her. She wasn’t the greatest thing since sliced bread; like myself, she was rather self-centered and chock full of flaws. But I Love(d) her. It’s been a half of a decade, but it’s never stopped and I don’t think it ever will. I could fall in love with a woman that would later become my wife, and I’d still wind up counting her eyelashes while I thought about Her. The next time you attempt to counsel a friend on their foolish lost love, when you tell them that there are other fish in the sea, remember that it isn’t a fish we’re angling for anyway, but a lost piece of ourselves.

I’ve tried to replace Her — with women who resembled her, with drugs and booze and sitcoms and what ever was in front of me. But none of it measured up. For a period, Captain’s seemed to do the trick, but that too has passed bitterly. We all like to pretend that there is one true, wise, eternal Love for us all…but what happens if we fuck it up too early on? What if we slept through the alarm?

We end up in a bar, that’s what. We end up in a hilljack Kentucky ghetto, shooting up in front of zirconium pierced, meticulously trimmed pencil-beard sporting dolts. We end up giving ourselves motivational speeches on why we should slip the noose around our necks. We end up wanting to apologize to everyone for everything. We end up wanting to hug them, and tell them that we love them, because we missed the chance the first time around.

“Whatcha drinkin’, hun?” an attractive enough girl covered in a film of make-up and wearing a skin tight referee’s uniform asks with with a hollow, capitalist sweetness, an identically clad and cute companion in tow.

“Rum.”

“Well, how about a Miller Lite?”

“Beer isn’t enough to distract from the fact that I want to die.” They both look at me funny, as if they want to hug me and run from me all at once. Without a word, they shuffle off, delivering an identical pitch to the older hippies shooting pool.

Tomorrow is another day, as is the next day, and one day or another after that I will be gone. And I don’t see much of a difference in attempting to find a Love that equals what I felt for Her, or in lamenting the loss of it, or in carving out a career, or in carrying a family further into this chaos. Frankly, the idea of my last moments on this planet being a prematurely ending, leg-kicking, eye-bulging panic is a tragically fitting one.

Despite what media tells you, and what my brain constantly reminds itself, there is a point where it’s a sound idea to give up, to call it quits, to realize that it’s never going to happen. No one wants to find themselves at seventy-five, shitting down their leg and breathing with the help of a machine. No one wants to be twenty-five and doing junk because it’s a shinier alternative than carrying on. Eventually we all fall down. Sometimes it’s by own our hands, sometimes it’s not fair and sometimes it’s what we deserve.

I curse and thank the fact that my neck slipped from the cradle of the noose and order another drink, my hands trembling. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is today, and yesterday, and every day I’ve ever known. Just don’t take a drink. Take what they give you. Laugh at it, and try to help them along when you can. Smile at the news, even if it’s more civilian casualties. This is the world you live in. Embrace it or die.

I Was Never Satisfied With Casual Encounters Wednesday, Jan 28 2009 

“I just…I don’t know anymore.” She grunts and rolls her eyes, her jawline tensing. “Where is this going, anyway?” She’s still wearing her page uniform. This meeting was arranged coldly and with little words in the halls of Studio 6A during lunch break, the leftovers from the previous night’s alarming bedside exchange. I twist my face as if I’m pondering the question, but I merely focus on the gay pride-colored peacock logo pinned to her lapel while I debate whether or not to be honest. I’m paying twenty dollars for two drinks so we can break-up.

“Nowhere,” I mutter with contrived conviction, staring at my fuzzy and warped reflection in the patterned steel bar top. “Fast.”

I always feel like I’ve delivered some sweeping, brooding Patrick Swayze-in-Road House line, until their lip begins to quiver, and they make an animated mad dash for the door. The bartender always gives a stare that could be interpreted as either understanding or disapproving. I usually realize about ten seconds too late that I’ve let the thrill of the world’s stage turn me into a complete prick, replaying the words in my mind and disagreeing with every syllable. I finish both of our drinks and head for the train home, ears muffed with headphones. I always try to carry a copy of Blood On The Tracks for just such an occasion.

“She’s a really nice girl, man,” John mutters from a Cannon’s barstool, shaking his head and curling his face. John is always quick to voice his mind, and I admire that about him. It’s the most admirable trait you can ask for in a man. Portly, bespectacled, and meek, John’s advice is the sort that pseudo-Christian businessmen often laugh off with a sarcastic ‘OK, Jesus’. It’s a nice thought, but it’s entirely unrealistic in this world. “And she really liked you.”

“I know…but I’m not really in love with the girl…I was just fucking her…for a few weeks…what do you want me to do?”

“There’s more to relationships than just fucking, you know.”

“I know that,” I groan, running my hands over my face. “Believe me, I’d fall in love with her if I could. That’s kind of the purpose of a prop, man…something to stand it for what you would like to be there.”

“You use women, man,” he explodes with a fed-up boom, throwing up his arms and drawing the attention of the lulled regulars. “And I don’t get it! Because you’re generally such a good person.” He thrusts his hands against the bar to push himself from his seat and stalks off to the bathroom. Robbie strolls over with interest, as if my glass were empty. I swear that I have one of the island’s best bartenders. He begins pouring me a fresh draft, even though mine is still about a quarter full.

“It’s a fuckin’ broad, kid,” he mumbles, raising his eyebrows and nodding. “Don’t listen to him.” He plants the brimming drink next to the evaporating one, winks and walks back to crane his neck at whatever hockey game he has the evening’s tips riding on.

In the end, I know that both men are right. And while John takes the moral and logical high road, I don’t think we should crown him as the more level-head just yet. I think that John is so angry not so much because he thinks she’s a nice girl and I’m making a mistake, but because he’s watching me squander everything he’s ever desperately pined for. In my misguided head, I want her to be someone and something else, and in his misguided head, he thinks that she’s everything he could ever ask for.

“What’s up with Johnny?” Mark asks, lured away from the dart board by the commotion.

“Nothing…anyone got next?”

“You do,” he says, pointing the tail end of a dart at me and ordering another draft.

I try to assemble the proper words to express to John that I’m not a heartless human being, just someone who needs believe in the idea that he needs to be rescued by a singular entity. And this one was not the singular entity that could rescue me. She was merely driftwood to cling to when my arms grew tired of treading water. I fail to find a good way to say it, the idea instead dissolving into inane jokes and television commentary. He’s quick to gather his jacket and head back to Astoria. Tomorrow, sometime around rehearsal, he will apologize, but I will know that he meant it and that he was right.

This is only a test.

I Capture Beauty In A Conversation Tuesday, Jan 27 2009 

Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke once said that Mark Mulcahy’s voice is what inspired him to make music. Read any review of Mark’s work, and you’ll inevitably run into that statement within the first paragraph, sometimes even the first sentence. You may also be told right off the bat that author Nick Hornby has featured Mark’s music in his Songbook collection, or that he’s opened for the likes of Seal, Oasis, Elliott Smith, etc. It’s as if the critics feel they need to sell you on Mulcahy like a friend trying to sell you on a date they know you won’t want to go on. Because they know you don’t know who Mulcahy is, and if they don’t pound it into your head that he’s someone to pay attention to, no one else is going to steer you towards him.

I first became entranced with Mulcahy at the age of nine, by way of his band’s musical contributions to an early-nineties children’s television series called The Adventures of Pete & Pete. I don’t know what it was about the thirty seconds I saw and heard of him every week, rollicking around on the front lawn of the protagonist’s home with his frizzy unkempt hair, glamourless sweatshirt and jeans. But his frayed, emotional voice, the way he hopped onto the top of a bass drum and back off, singing carelessly into the mic, as if he and his buddies were just having a round of practice, somehow set off a spark.

The most daunting task one faces when writing about Mulcahy is figuring out how exactly to describe how truly beautiful an instrument his voice is. It’s entirely chameleon-like, a swirl of passion, longing, immediacy, mournful resolve, playfulness, instability, etc. He can go from a hardened growl to a frightened whisper in a matter of chords, and when he does it in front of you it’s arresting.

I spent entirely too much of my youth hunting him in various record stores around the country. Nearly every one in Northeastern Ohio has probably at one time or another put in an order for his works, and each and every one has come up empty. In the early days I foolishly hit the giant corporate chains, and it wasn’t until the second or third small time store employed by long haired clerks with tight fitting Ziggy Stardust shirts that I learned what “out of print” meant.

My fervent search occurred in the infancy of online purchasing and .mp3 files, so there were a few years of listening desperately to the occasional twenty second clip I managed to come across on some graduate student’s personal website. I was lucky enough to find an obscure 80’s compilation with a track from Miracle Legion, the New Haven outfit Mulcahy fronted for over a decade, a song I listened to so many times that I found myself playing it note-for-note in my head when I needed to kill the last few minutes of a boring study hall. This held me over until a small used record store an hour and a half away managed to snag a copy of a Miracle Legion album, a drive made with a begrudging grandfather ranting about ‘giving my money away to idiots’ (in his eyes, if you have long hair and/or are a musician, you are an ‘idiot’).

A misspent youth resulted in, among other things, my inability to obtain a driver’s license until the age of eighteen. The first chance I ever had to see Mulcahy was at a show in Northampton, MA. The drive would require a good twelve and a half hours, and fell on the weekend of our senior prom, for which I had inexplicably landed a date with a girl with frosted blue eyes who is still bitter and unforgiving about the whole thing to this day.

The trip was made alone — Mulcahy’s conversationally-toned lyrics are steeped in the confessional. He’s not telling you a story, not singing to you about an ex-lover, but rather he’s speaking directly to that lover, to himself, to the wall, but not to you; this is not something you were supposed to hear – a deluge of confused thoughts, naked desires and personal emotions, the innermost deliberation, barren of reserve, none of which has any place in the world of high school popularity. The lesson was learned quickly that Mulcahy was something to be kept to myself and no one else; after a friend’s demand to hear who I was forgoing practically guaranteed sex with Jill Huntington for, I was quickly dismissed as a ‘faggot’ amongst my contemporaries.

Northampton, nuzzled between the foothills of the Berkshires and the banks of the Connecticut River, home to Smith College, is a small village town made up predominantly of Colonial-era buildings housing art shops, record stores, music clubs and trendy restaurants. The downtown streets are red-bricked and narrow, and its drivers seem to have no sense of urgency, bowing calmly to passing pedestrians.

Dusk had settled in, and the town was buzzing with conversations, the cafes and streets filled with shaggy moptops and sportcoats over tight faded t-shirts, cherry hair, thick horn rimmed glasses and floral vintage dresses, a gay couple walking a ferret. I was strolling through town to kill time when I first saw him in the window of a small Mediterranean restaurant on Main Street. There was no double take or moment taken to register recognition. The second my eyes meet the illuminated window, I knew it was him, slurping noodles as he nodded to the pale girl with short, jet black hair across the table from him. The artist in his element.

He looked much more bloated compared to the pictures I’d seen of him. His square jaw had rounded out slightly, and one could see where jowls could eventually start to set in, right under his bushy sideburns that were about a week’s growth away from being described as mutton chops. His shoulder-length brown had hair had lost its edge, hanging limply from a line that had crept up his forehead considerably, unkempt but not in the vibrant way it used to. His nose was bulbous and bent, one you’d imagine on the face of an Irish dockworker.

His milky blue eyes seemed out of place amongst such working-class features. They burned with a sort of oblique longing; one look at them and you knew he was an artist. He wore an ill-fitting navy blue and green suit over a pointy collared shirt, unbuttoned enough to show a long silver chain amidst a tangle of thick chest hair. It’s a face you will never see on the cover of Rolling Stone.

The front room of the Baystate Hotel is nothing more than a garden-variety dive, lacking the flair the rest of the town possessed, a flair I had built myself up for, come to expect. In the daydreams I had while driving through the winding mountains of Massachusetts, the place was ornate, almost regal. The doorman accepted the scrambled proof of age on my license without incident as I tried to hide my disappointment of what was before me. My overzealous anticipation and a lack of anywhere else to explore had made me one of the first patrons of the evening, save a few that appeared to be regulars. The lights were kept depressingly low, the room illuminated by the glow from the outdated trivia machine at the end of the bar. The bartender silently crunched numbers on a calculator near an old brass register, noting my arrival with a quick stare. I pursed my lips and nodded.

He limply groaned that he’d be with me in a second, and before I had the time to become impatient, Mulcahy stalked up and seated himself next to me, taking a folded setlist-in-progress from the pocket of his coat and scribbling notes. My nerves fizzling, I ordered a Corona with a lime, for some reason thinking it was cool. Mark went for a pint of Guiness and I quickly began to second guess my selection.

I wanted to tell him everything, how late at night, alone in my bedroom, he’d always been there for me through all of the introspection, confusion, self-doubt and what I’d perceived to be lost love. I wanted to tell him about how my friend didn’t get him, and I did. I wanted to ask about love and women and indecipherable lyrics and vague liner notes, for an autograph or a photo. We talked instead about the Pistons.

“They look like the real thing this year” He took a pull from his drink, his eyes fixed on the small television screen hanging in the corner. “Good defense.”

“You got a horse in this game?”

“Nah. I just like to see good basketball. You?”

“Cavs fan.”

“Cleveland?” Whenever people say Cleveland, they either say it with patronizing reverence (‘Cleveland rocks!’) or chuckle with a laugh and a joke about river fires. “You from there?”

“Yeah.” My voice was quivering. I drove twelve and a half hours to see this man. Somehow, this man has become a kindred soul to me, a very influential part of my days; he’s soothed me, saddened me, lulled me to sleep. I had begun to realize the absurdity of this sitting in front of him, his mythic figure becoming human, but there was really nothing I could do about it. It’s who I am.

“Long drive?”

“Twelve and a half hours.”

“Jesus.” He laughed in awe to himself. “I’ve heard fourteen before…but that’s…that’s good, man.”

We talked about the game, and the deterioration of Cleveland, and the respect of staying with one team your entire career. He asked me if there was anything I’d like him to play, and I rattled off the first song that came to my mind. Once he slipped off to the back, I began a line questioning regarding whether or not I made the right choice, one that still continues to this day.

The back room of the place was spacious and well-lit, with round cafes tables scattered all along vintage maroon and gold carpet. Large chandeliers lit the room, their reflections shining against the mirrored walls, and thick, velvet maroon drapes cover the windows. It took about a half-hour or so after the crowd has swelled to its full potential before it hits me for the first time. Beatles haircuts. Pretension. Corduroy. Sideburns. Liberalism. Angst. Insecurity. Ironically ugly sweaters. Elvis Costello worship. Pale girlfriends with opinions. Fuck. This is who I was. These were my people.

I never wanted to admit it, never wanted to accept it. Because these people, my people, don’t date Jill Huntington. They’re too busy driving insanely long distances to see obscure singer-songwriters wax intelligently and wistfully on love and loss and doubt and sad happiness. And no eighteen year old girls, or at least any that I dated, wanted anything to do with that.

The stage was cramped and about half the size it probably needed to be, just enough room for Mark and his backing band. Before he played the request I’d nervously spit out, he called my name out into the mic and had me stand, announcing to the crowd the lengths I’d taken to get there. There was a mild smattering of applause and a few impressed head nods. Those sitting behind me patted me on the shoulder when I sat down. I’d gone from hiding it to being praised for it.

It wasn’t until late into college that I realized that perhaps my love of Mark wasn’t a dirty secret to be kept to myself.  The source of this realization came, as most tend to, from a girl, one as beautiful and blue-eyed as Jill Huntington, yet equipped with a fierce intellect. She, for some reason, appeared to accept me, all of me.

I didn’t have save him for solitude, there was no scramble to change the disc when she walked into the room. In fact, she seemed to take a genuine liking to him, text messaging me song lyrics and writing them into little collages she had made for me. It seems trivial, but in many ways it was an important gauge. If she liked Mulcahy, then she liked me. This vote of confidence led me to leave Mark on the stereo when guests dropped by; I began to loan him to friends. It turns out that there are a lot more of us than I thought, those who get Mark.

Mark Mulcahy will never be popular, and it isn’t for a lack of talent. It’s for his failure to adhere. His catalog shows a knowledge of the three minute pop song with the catchy chorus. He knows the rules. But he doesn’t play by them. He exposes himself for who he is, and doesn’t edit for the sake of a demographic. He’s himself, and he doesn’t necessarily fit into the right demographic, but that’s a big part of the attraction.

Your Silence Is My Greatest Fear Tuesday, Jan 27 2009 

“This town will turn you and burn you if you don’t look out for yourself.” Those were my father’s words to me during my first night in Manhattan, awaiting an interview to confirm my future there. I wish he would’ve told me that when I moved to Oxford. I wish a doctor would’ve whispered it into my newborn ear instead of smacking my pruned ass. It would’ve been a ruder and more necessary awakening. Just replace the word ‘town’ with ‘world’ and it makes universal sense.

We were at Tavern On The Green, where he had booked reservations under the title of ‘Doctor’ in order to obtain a seat. I think this was an outdated trick he had picked up from his time here in the eighties, when the place was in the midst of it’s heyday. That or the student has surpassed the teacher, because three months later I would slip Mark and myself in there with ease during the National Board of Review Awards, where we would eat for free and chat with Steve Buscemi and bum cigarettes to Queen Latifah.

My father and I share this trait, this ability to fall ass-backwards into positions our brains – but not our actions or status - merit. I fuck women out of my league, and throw back shots with Hunter S. Thompson, and exchange tired elevator hellos with the NBA-sized red-haired Late Night idol I grew up laughing at. My father once told the Rev. Jesse Jackson to go fuck himself, and had a member of The Beastie Boys spit in his face. These weren’t idols that he grew up with, but I can’t help but think that, like me, he probably spent a great deal of that time wondering ‘how the fuck did I get here?’

He burdened me with a number of his less desirable traits – his hairline and stubbornness, his drinking problem and tendency to resort to knowingly cutting remarks in order to distract from guilt. But he also instilled in me so much of what makes him great – his ever-swelling heart, his admirable musical tastes, his eye for the honest man’s bottom line, his dogged persistence and his cunning ability to work a crowd. I possess double the talent and ability he does, a result of him pumping me full of the knowledge he possesses, and the knowledge his father possessed, and etc, etc., etc. Each birth is another chance to get it right.

“What’s John doing now?” I asked him this once on a car-ride home when I was around seven or eight. He had meticulously briefed me on all of the Beatles’ current whereabouts — George played on the Traveling Wilburys cassette we always listened to, Ringo was a near-microscopic conductor on PBS, and I already saw Paul everyday. Paul hung above the desk in my father’s office, a gigantic framed promotion from one of his lamentable 80’s post-Wings solo projects. He’s strumming his guitar with a large, open mouth, as if surprised to hear the sound he’s just made. His hair is starting to gray a little, and the wrinkles have set into his face. But for some reason, he never talked about John.

“He died,” he answered, eyes darting, stroking his mustache with apprehension.

“How?”

“Some idiot shot him.”

“Why?”

“Because he was an asshole…he didn’t care about anyone but himself and now no one likes him.”

Historically, Beatles-related discussion, coupled with sports, always seemed like the easiest method of filling up the silence with words, as well as bringing out some of his more memorable simple-yet-brilliant observations. About a half decade after that exchange, we were on a similar car-ride home, when I inquired about something else curious and burning.

“Why do you like Paul more than John?” It was a question that had bothered me for quite some time, but it had never occurred to ask. It finally came out one happy hour in downtown Cleveland. I was eighteen, and we had been having one of those occasional bonding moments where he, without explanation, yet somehow ceremoniously, ordered me a beer along with his. A light buzz had set in, and it just sort of slipped out. He took a swig from his beer and curled his lips in contemplation, the little bristles of his mustache grazing his nose.

“Wait until you fall in love with a girl,” he started, lowering his chin in thought before finally settling on an answer. “Then you’ll like Paul more.” He gave no further explanation, and I never asked for one.

He’s no great sage, but he’s no run-of-the-mill simpleton, either. He’s sharp, and if it weren’t for his own self-destruction, the sky would be the limit. Like father, like son. I want to be everything he is, and everything he isn’t, all at once. Despite our glaring differences, I see myself in him, and that’s all we want from the world around us in the end, isn’t it?

I Have Seen All The Fuss And It’s No Big Deal Monday, Jan 26 2009 

The greatest feeling in the world is sitting at the bar or in a booth and watching them come in. Seeing them scan their eyes for me, with their stylish pea coats and scarves, skin illuminated by the cold. Half of the time, they’re pissed at me, and I’ve used earnest charm or guilt to get them to come out swinging for one more round. But circumstance or reality doesn’t really matter. In the seconds before their eyes catch mine, before they take a seat, unrestrained voltage zips through my veins at the speed of a telephone wire, and nothing can ruin it. Try as I may, even I can’t find a way to sabotage it.

When they approach, I begin to catch the waft of their perfume and hair, smells that always seems immediately familiar yet freshly exotic. The fragrance does not matter — I have courted the foulest of odors, those that recall musty antique shops, old Jewish women, mothballs — it’s the reminder of them that captivates, that makes it so intoxicating. You could blindfold me and I could sniff each and every one out of a line-up. Juliana smelled like what I imagine the color purple would. Jackie like the green bar soap I use every morning. Colleen, the fresh carpet of a never-rented apartment. Rebecca smelled like Rebecca. There was nothing else like it.

Their appearance matters little, either. Certainly it matters in so far as I would never have found myself so interested in meeting for a drink if it wasn’t alluring in the first place. But once we got to this point, they could be wearing sweats or a recently purchased cocktail dress; they could’ve put on weight or dyed their hair or look the same as they always have. All that matters is them being there.

“Hey,” they usually chirp with a bounce of their shoulders – even when they’re upset with me - as they unload their purse and shed their jacket.

“Thanks for coming.” I am generally a very inconsiderate person. I don’t send thank you cards and most of the time am slow-to-unresponsive when it comes to returning phone calls. I have a habit of hanging-up without saying goodbye. I rarely think about the impact of my self-destruction on the world around me. Sometimes I sneak out of their houses in the early hours of the morning. But I always thank them for coming. Every single time. It can come out sheepish, guilt-ridden, cheery or simply muttered. But I never forget.

After that, it’s anyone’s guess. I could make them laugh or cry. Sometimes I pick up the tab, but usually their father unwittingly does. Sometimes I convince them to skip their homework, and sometimes they stay disciplined and leave me behind to order one more and watch college basketball. We could leave together, cackling and nudging on our way out the door. They could abruptly storm out in a silent huff, desperately wanting me to chase them out the door so they can stomp further away. The only thing that’s certain is that stroll through the door. As long as they show. As long as I get that initial moment when they walk in, that soothing of panging anticipation, that flash of a retreat from the lonely Joy Division record that is my life. From there things can’t possibly get any better.

Black City Bloodbath Or White Country Rape Monday, Jan 26 2009 

The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers. Deep down inside we all relish the thought of that. We tell ourselves we don’t. Right now, you’re shaking your head at me. But it’s true. If we could wipe out all of the terrorists, murderers, rapists, Commies, neo-cons, thugs, the greedy, those who disparaged us or callously hurt us…perhaps we wouldn’t want their blood running down the sewer grates — but we desperately want to see them punished. We may not want to kill them. But we certainly want to bury them, to put a foot on their chests and roar with the thrill of triumph. We want them to see the error of their ways, and what better way is there for minds like ours than total, redeeming dominance?

Sometimes I think that the only separating a good person from a bad one is that at the end of the day, the good person fights it, while the bad person says ‘fuck it’. And ‘fuck it’ is a relative term. It could stand for skipping out on the gym, or eating one more slice or having one more drink, half-assing an assignment, hurting someone you love for self-interests, cutting jobs in the name of the bottom line, apathy, callousness, suicide, or smearing someone’s brains across the sand/parking lot in the name of your love of country/addiction to heroin.

If you could find yourself alone and equipped with a crowbar in a dark, concrete, pipe-dripping basement, standing over a helpless Hitler…what would you do? When would you stop? It would feel good, wouldn’t it? He deserves it. Would you want to chase that high? Would it become routine? Would you thirst for more? After you cracked Adolf’s skull like a bad melon in a blind rage, would you do it again if they trotted Stalin into the room? Bin Laden? Dahmer? O.J. Simpson? What about the corrupt businessman who bilked honest folks out of billions? The punk who raped you in high school? When would it stop?

It stops a bit too long after we grow uncomfortable with it. When we can’t take the morse code tapping of our conscience. Murder is justified to some. Pettier violence seems like an escape to others. Sex comforts many. Acceptance comforts all. We do what we have to in order to find solace — we get married to and fuck strangers that our peers approve of. We make money and enlist and boycott Wal-Mart and tell ourselves that tommorrow is a new day. That this year’s love is going to last. That good will triumph in the end. We do what we have to in order to win, but we will manipulate pride in moral victories if we have to. Whatever stops us from curling into the fetal position and screaming.

In Saudi Arabia, they shroud themselves in cloth, and gather in town squares to watch the government behead homosexuals. In America, they let surgeons cut their faces and breasts open in order to appeal more to the opposite sex. They cheer when the military drop bombs on those nations whose governments collide with ours. In Africa they stretch their necks, in Alabama they keep to their own kind, and in China they bind their feet — all in an effort to be right, to fit in. To justify their warped point of view. To stand over those who dare cross our paths and roar with victory and righteousness. To prove to themselves and the world that they aren’t mindless savages. It’s the enemy that is. We’re on the side of good, or at least we’re straddling the line enough to avoid prosecution. At least we’re better than them.

We want to fight fire with fire. Murder with murder. Scorn with scorn. Cruelty with cruelty. Hate with hate. Indifference with indifference. An eye for an eye. We reflect what we see, and not who we are. We just want to be like everyone in front of us, or stoop to their level in order to punish them. And the saddest and most blinding part is that we are, and we do. As a species, we’re unlikely to recognize it, but we are what we hate.

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